Civic Center Courthouse; Small Claims Division; The Honorable Scolinosis enters.

Judge (to Plaintiff): I understand you’re suing for lack of support.

Plaintiff: That’s correct, your Honor. I’ve been forced to have acrobatic sex, ride jerky roller coasters, and sit front row at the movies for our entire relationship.

Judge (to Defendant): Is this true, sir?

Defendant: Your Honor, I’ve paid for chiropractor visits, bought pain pills in Mexico, and rubbed Bengay on her neck every night. Nothing helps.

Judge (to Plaintiff): This calls for an expert — someone to release the pain for good. I’m sentencing you to a six-week series of curative massage with Nell Waters, a San Francisco School of Massage instructor located in Pacific Heights. Her magic hands will resolve the kinks in body and relationship.

But I suggest you get rid of that pain in the neck.

Nell Waters Curative Massage, 2126 Sutter Street, at Steiner Street (415-531-7184 or nellwaters.com).