Contrary to Hallmark’s insistence, we don’t all want to say, “Thanks for everything, World’s Greatest Mom.” Some of us want to say, “Don’t call so often, Crazy Lady.”

Regardless, you have to get her something. For ideas, just listen to her — for once.

“You should’ve gone to med school.”
Shove your artsy side in her face with a flower pin from Miami painter LEBO. When you donate $25 or more to the United Way of Miami-Dade’s Honor Mom campaign, they’ll send the sweet bloom to the mom of your choice (preferably yours).

“You’d be so pretty if you lost ten pounds.”
Let local photographer Tracey Hagen capture your stunning visage. Pictures can be printed on canvas, pads, or pillows and are manipulated to give them a vintage look. Sittings take up to 90 minutes. Be sure to invite your dumb ass brother.

“You’re irresponsible with money.”
Splurge on jewelry from local designer Francisca Bastos. The Reflections of Rio collection has a spring feel: The rings are made with light-colored gems (praziolite, crystal, or amethyst) offset by tiny details like butterflies or coconut trees. Mention DailyCandy and get 30 percent off.

“You never call.”
Tell her to write. Fort Lauderdale-based Thoroughly Curly Designs makes paisley stationery in pretty pastels. Customize the cards with your mom’s name or initials. Matching envelopes can be printed with her return address for free — in case you want to return to sender.

“To find a man, you have to cook.”
Take her out to eat at Canyon Ranch. The Mother’s Day package includes oceanside brunch (think organic avocado soup with shrimp), an express manicure at the salon, and a copy of the restaurant’s uber-healthy cookbook — all for just $39.

She’s totally worth it.