Mayo: Man, it sure is dark in here.

White Bread: No kidding. I can’t believe we got chucked from the fridge like four-day-old cranberry sauce.

Mayo: Blame that damn nutritionist, Lauren Braun. The nerve, taking Ms. Pudgybum to the health food store and telling her what should be in the fridge.

WB: Did you see the new guys? Multigrain bagel and his tan, textured self? That organic peach, flaunting all that … fuzz. Gross.

Mayo: I don’t know what we did wrong. Am I too fat?

WB: Braun says it’s not about losing weight (she doesn’t do diets). She’s all about lifestyle change, like learning your habits and history. And if you have a question — from where to get the best dark chocolate to the best bikini wax — she’s got the answer you’re looking for.

Mayo: You know a lot about Braun. Sure you’re not sweet on her?

WB: Nope. I’ve got a thing for Mrs. Butterworth. She got the can, too.

Mrs. B: Oh, baby, give me some simple sugar.

Lauren Braun (305-491-6136 or nutrismart.com).